Life decisions and difficult understandings – this is for everybody

I know what you’re probably thinking: “what the heck is she going on about now?”, and to be honest, I don’t really know. I’m just going with the flow here.

It’s been a hot minute since I actually WROTE about something on here that doesn’t have to do with photographs and/or poems. However, I’ve recently told my family and friends that I’ve thought long and hard, and I’m moving back home. Mixed reactions have been shared, but you know what, just hear me out.

That’s right, you read that right. I’m going home after six years. Now, I won’t lie to you and tell you that it was an easy decision to make, because it wasn’t. Truly. I moved here with my mother, stepfather, brothers, uncle and my grandmother. I moved with the people I’ve been most of my life with. My grandmother was the first to leave and is now up there in heaven with God, looking over all of us. And now, after six years, I’m deciding to move back to Aruba and start my life over with my father, stepmother, and my siblings. Now I’m going to spend another phase of my life with the people I never really grew up with (seeing them once a week, resulting in once a year to once in two years was never really my idea of growing up with them). And truth be told, leaving my mother behind is the hardest thing I’m doing in my life, ever. The person to always be there for me is now the person I’m leaving behind and it hurts. You might not see it on me, but when the time is near, I might go ballistic.

I love my family in Aruba, but I resent that we never got the chance to grow up together the way I would’ve wanted. Of course, seeing them for 5 weeks every once in a year or two was great, but it never seemed like enough. But, you know, in life we can always choose our paths. We make our own stories as we go along the way of life. I, at nearly 18 years old, have decided that my life here in the Netherlands has had its ways. Six years in such a country is nearly not enough for some people, I thought so myself at first. But, as my siblings grow older, I see less and less of the little moments I should be seeing as a big sister. I can’t remember almost anything about my youngest sibling, because in the 5 years of his life, I’ve seen him probably 3 times, just to give you some thought.

The one thing that people kept asking me was “are you going to finish school?” “are you going to college?”

My response “of course, I will.”

I’m not leaving the Netherlands just to live some kind of glamorous life back home, of course not! When I came here, the most important reason was school. My brothers and I had to always show our best when it came down to school. Now tell me why I would give up the last phase of my education just to move back home? Tell me.

Of course school stresses me out, that’s supposed to happen. But all in all, education has and always will be a important part of my life, because if I don’t have a career, then what will my life be? After all, it’s kind of my plan B.

If there’s another important part of life, then it’s most definitely going with what’s in your heart. If you don’t feel good about something, don’t do it. That’s as simple as it gets. Honestly. And I can’t say this enough; Whatever happens, happens. If it doesn’t go right, find another way. This decision has been of very difficult understanding for some people in my life, but I will say it once more; THIS is in my heart now, THIS is what I want to do and THIS will be the path I choose to take in my life.

I’m not getting all corny on you, trust me. I’m just simply laying the facts on here. I can never know what is being said about me when I’m not around, but don’t think for a daring second that I haven’t thought of a single thing you’ve thought.

When I decided this, everything came to mind: failure, education, money, faith, mom, stepdad, brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, best friends, anything and everything. You. Name. It. This wasn’t something I thought about overnight. It took me years to think about and it took me over a year to finally set foot on the ground and say “this is it, this is what I want my next step to be in life”.

So, judge me, speak of me, say anything and everything you can think of to stop me. But, to tell you the truth, it won’t matter anyways.

I love every single person in my life, no matter the judgement and vague opinions you may have had or still have about my decision. I know you want what’s best for me, I know you do. I know you care and you support me either way, I know. Call it puberty, call it influence, call it whatever. I will still love you and I will still live my life.

I’m not writing this to rant to anyone about this, I’m writing this to let you know what’s on my mind and why it’s important to make your own decisions in life with the right kind of people by your side.

So, I’m coming home and starting over again. And for anyone who is reading this and is dealing with a difficult decision, just follow your heart. It’s corny to say, but if you have a good feeling about something, do it. I won’t say that it will be easy, but in life, everything gets easier some time and at some point. As long as your walking your path, going over your own obstacles in life, everything will be just fine.

Just remember that.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Talk soon.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”
E.E. Cummings

Your Sincerely,

Clouds.

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